Getting to the Root Cause of Porn Addiction pt. 3

This post is the third of a 3-part series about getting to the ROOT of porn addiction. If you haven't already, read the first and second posts about getting to the root of porn use. In this post, the focus will be on the remaining four guidelines. Recall that the root causes of porn addiction are difficult to find on your own. This post explores ways in which you can use introspection and therapy services to dig even deeper into why we view pornographic material. 

Things to do to get to the ROOT of your behavior.

Summary

The bold and underlined guidelines are in this post.

• Acknowledge Who You Are

• Clean Out Your Closet

• Raise Your Level of Self-Awareness

• Identify Your Triggers

• Focus on the "Why" Behind Your Behavior and Not the Behavior

• Give Yourself Grace When Appropriate

• Get Professional Help

• How you Can Know that You've Gotten to the ROOT of your Behavior

Focus on the "Why?" behind your behavior and not the behavior.

It's easy to get caught up in focusing on the negative emotions and consequences of our behavior. You may hit a snag and relapse, then begin to feel down about what you've done. Feeling guilt and dealing with shame is a part of the recovery process, but to get to the root of our behavior, we can't just focus on what we're doing wrong. That is a recipe that will get us nowhere. Instead, we need to understand why we did what we did. Focusing on the why behind your behavior and not the behavior itself is essential because our acting out is not the root cause of pornography addiction. Going back to the tree analogy, when we act out and focus on our behavior, it is akin to attempting to cut a branch off the tree of pornography with no regard for the root that the branch stems from. Always recall that a branch can return if the tree isn't uprooted. We have to keep that in mind when responding to things like a relapse or strong temptation to relapse.

Now that we understand what it means to focus on the "why" behind your behavior, I'll provide some guidelines to help you discover that why.

Guidelines to help discover the why behind your behavior

1. Discover what you're really after. In the moment you feel negative feelings or are tempted to relapse, think about what you are actually desiring. If you are angry perhaps you seek control which porn provides for you. If you're lonely perhaps what you're seeking is comfort which porn also provides. Ask yourself some of the following questions to discover what you're desiring: 

   1. What am I really after? 

   2. What feeling do I long to have right now?

      1. Example:

         1.  Trigger: Anger 

            1. A situation you have no control over

         2. Feeling desired: 

            1. Control  

2. Understand your core belief system. Core beliefs are deeply held, foundational ideas that people have about themselves, others, and the world. These beliefs are often shaped through experiences, relationships, and cultural influences during early life. There are negative core beliefs and positive core beliefs. Core beliefs influence how individuals perceive and interpret situations, respond emotionally, and make decisions. They are like mental "templates" or assumptions that guide thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Core beliefs are usually unconscious, meaning people might not be fully aware of them, but they still exert a powerful influence on their lives. For example, someone with a positive core belief might think, "I am capable and worthy of success," while someone with a negative core belief might think, "I am not good enough.". 

   1. Core beliefs are:

      1. Beliefs about oneself: e.g., "I am lovable," or "I am flawed."

      2. Beliefs about others: e.g., "People are trustworthy," or "People will hurt me."

      3. Beliefs about the world: e.g., "The world is fair," or "The world is dangerous."

   2. Take some time to ask the following questions to assess your core beliefs:

      1. What are your core beliefs?

      2. Why do you believe them?

      3. How did you come to believe these things?

3. Assess your typical thoughts.

   1. What type of thoughts frequently enter your mind on a typical day? Why?...

Answering these questions is not easy and takes practice and time. A good place to meet people who can help you answer these questions is recovery support groups. Don't be concerned if the first time you try this, it doesn't work. Keep thinking and looking inward. The good news is that you will eventually get better at answering these questions. The better you get, the closer you'll get to figuring out the underlying issues. 

Give yourself grace when appropriate.

Look at what you've become and give yourself grace, knowing that the extent of the best version of yourself is on the opposite end of the spectrum of what you have become. Unfortunately, we have become porn addicts, but we still deserve grace just the same as everyone else because no one on this Earth is perfect. I can't count the number of times I became overwhelmed by shame and guilt while fighting to overcome porn addiction. I looked at my addictive behavior and decided that I was not worthy of forgiveness, which couldn't be further from the truth. In hindsight, it was not a healthy way to respond to my setbacks because it did not focus on the underlying causes. A part of getting to the ROOT of our behavior is forgiving ourselves and showing ourselves grace when we've relapsed. It's okay to tell yourself that you've failed, because you're working to change who you are at your core when you get to the ROOT of your behavior.  

Recovery from pornography addiction is a challenging journey that requires a compassionate approach. Being graceful to oneself during this process is vital for these reasons:

1. Fosters Self-Compassion Over Shame

Shame is a common barrier to recovery. When individuals, especially those with low self-esteem, are too hard on themselves, they risk reinforcing feelings of guilt and self-loathing, which can trigger relapses. Grace allows for self-compassion, helping individuals to acknowledge mistakes without falling into destructive patterns of self-criticism.

2. Encourages Consistent Progress

Recovery is often a non-linear journey, and setbacks are common. Embracing grace allows individuals to view these moments as learning opportunities instead of failures. This mindset encourages them to remain focused on long-term growth.

3. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

Harsh self-judgment can create stress, which often exacerbates addictive behaviors as individuals turn to old habits for comfort from the troubles of daily life. Grace reduces this pressure, promoting a calmer, more balanced mental state conducive to healing.

4. Builds Resilience

Grace provides the emotional strength to bounce back from setbacks. Instead of giving up when things get tough, individuals who treat themselves kindly are likelier to persevere and try again, fostering resilience.

5. Supports a Healthier Identity

Porn addiction often distorts one's self-image, leading to feelings of inadequacy or failure. By showing grace to themselves, individuals can begin to separate their identity from their addiction, recognizing their worth and potential beyond their struggles.

Recovery requires patience, perseverance, and a deep sense of self-acceptance. Grace plays a central role in creating an environment where lasting change can flourish.

Get Therapy

As I mentioned in my previous post, porn addiction is a brain issue. Because of this, there are psychological factors that cannot be ignored if you want to address the root of your behavior. In the early stages of my recovery journey, I refused to see a therapist. It wasn't until I reached a point where I genuinely felt that I couldn't progress any further that I sought help from mental health professionals. Seeking therapy doesn't mean you are crazy or broken; it simply means you are human. Everyone needs therapy, whether they realize it or not, because we all have issues. Although our struggles may vary, we all have something we need to discuss and work through. In our case, it's our compulsive behaviors, and that's perfectly okay.

I encourage you to seek help from someone who understands the brain's workings and can teach you the skills necessary to build healthy coping mechanisms. My advice is to get therapy. There are various types available, including family therapy, group therapy, individual therapy, or consulting a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT).

Therapists play a crucial role in helping individuals struggling with pornography addiction gain insight into their behavior. Here are five practical ways they can assist in this process:

1. Exploring Underlying Causes

Therapists can guide us through uncovering the ROOT causes of our addiction, such as unresolved trauma, loneliness, stress, or unmet emotional needs. Understanding these triggers helps us connect our behavior to deeper issues, paving the way for healing.

2. Identifying Patterns and Triggers

Therapists use tools such as journaling and self-monitoring to help clients identify patterns in their addictive behaviors. This process involves recognizing specific emotions, situations, or times of day that trigger cravings. By becoming aware of these triggers, clients are empowered to take proactive steps to manage their cravings more effectively.

3. Teaching Emotional Regulation

Therapists can show us how to identify and process emotions without relying on pornography as a coping mechanism. Techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and cognitive-behavioral strategies can help us manage anxiety, boredom, or sadness in healthier ways.

4. Challenging Cognitive Distortions

Many porn addicts hold distorted beliefs, such as "I can't stop" or "This doesn't harm anyone." Therapists use evidence-based approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to challenge these thoughts, replacing them with healthier, more realistic perspectives that encourage change.

5. Providing Education on Addiction

Therapists can explain the neurological, psychological, and relational impacts of pornography addiction. This education helps us understand how our brain's reward system has been hijacked and why breaking free requires time and effort. This knowledge reduces shame and builds our resolve.

Through these approaches, therapists create a safe, non-judgmental space where someone can explore their behavior, develop self-awareness, and adopt strategies to break free from addiction. We've provided a list of recommended therapists based on your area. 

So, how can we know we've gotten to the root of our behavior? 

 After reading all of that, some of you are probably wondering how you know when you've gotten to the root of your behavior. In some cases, it will be obvious. You'll notice that how you think about things will start to change. You'll notice that you no longer lust after women/men. You'll feel a sense of relief in situations where you may not have otherwise felt that, but again, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Everyone has different roots, so everyone's signal that something has been uprooted may differ. One unmistakable thing is the feeling that you get from being healed. You'll know it when you feel it. However, I will provide some examples I've seen in the lives of people I've mentored in recovery. 

Signs that you've gotten to the root of why you watch pornography

• You no longer lust after women/men

• You don't spend time thinking about porn

• You don't spend as time fantasizing

• You've allowed yourself to forgive those who've wronged you

• You've consistently chosen to be truthful when it doesn't benefit you

• You've healed from your past trauma

• You've reconciled relationships with your mother, father, or other loved ones whom you've hurt or have hurt you.

• You've let go of your anger

• Your relationships have improved

• etc....

Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you know anyone who can benefit from it, please share it with them or share it on your social media page.