How to Get Freedom from Porn Addiction

In an earlier post, I shared that my recovery journey began after being confronted by a mentor I had while in college. In this post, I'm going to share how to focus on freedom from porn addiction. After taking that first step and coming to the realization that freedom is possible for me, I reached another point in my recovery journey that I had never been to before. At this point in my journey, I knew what I wanted to do and had maintained a sense of hope, but my actions still weren’t consistently showing that I wanted to stay in recovery. Even though I had sought professional help and was going to support groups, I would still find myself going through a roller coaster of emotions from time to time after a relapse. I would be in and out of isolation from people I cared about, fighting low self-esteem and struggling to keep negative thoughts from invading my mind. See, although I had gained hope, I lacked the desire to be healed. Recovering from pornography addiction can sometimes feel like a chore. It’s so easy to slip back into negative thought patterns, habits, and routines. Some of us have spent decades training our brains to think in a way that keeps us in bondage to pornography addiction. Sometimes, it can be self-defeating thoughts, unhealthy rituals, or a negative belief about people. That’s where I found myself 9 years ago. For the first time, I was moving along on the road to sobriety with a tiny spark of hope for what my future could look like without porn, but I remained stuck in a circle of unhealthy habits and rituals that I had spent 10 years building. What I lacked was a burning desire to be healed.

I didn’t remain that way since I’m here now, sharing my story after being sober for 5 years in hopes that you will learn from my mistakes and get the freedom you deserve. So some of you may be asking what changed? To put it plainly, I realized something. This realization was spurred on by my spouse, who was my #1 accountability partner at that time (something I do not recommend, by the way). My wife challenged me throughout every step of my recovery journey. When I reached a place where I lacked desire, it didn’t take her long to notice, and she had strong opinions about it, and rightfully so, I might add. Pornography addiction only brings drama and damage to our romantic relationships. It’s not something you’re likely to see in a healthy marriage. There were tough conversations that needed to be had between my wife and me, and I often left them feeling like I didn’t want to mess this marriage thing up. Throughout my years of working with other men in recovery, I have listened to them express the same sentiment. So, I had to begin looking inside myself and ask the question: What ignites one's desire to be healed, one's desire to be free? If I have hope that I can be free but don’t have a burning desire to be free, then what’s blocking that desire?

These are the types of questions you must begin to ask yourself if you want to stay on the road to sobriety. At the time, I had no answers to those questions, but the answers would reveal the actions needed to move forward in the recovery journey. As I examined the message my actions conveyed to my wife, I realized something. My desire to be free was fueled by whether or not I felt like we were in a good place in marriage, not by the thought of me living a life without porn. So, I had to shift my mindset. Yes, I wanted to be in a good place in marriage, but that should be a result of me doing the work to get to the root of why I was watching pornography in the first place. My focus needed to be on what was driving my behavior, not the behavior itself. Behavior modification does not necessarily lead to healing internally. This is why people who commit crimes can serve their time, get out of prison, and stay out of prison but never manage to do anything meaningful in life because the root of their issues was never addressed. Their behavior changed to avoid the negative consequences, but their mind was still wounded by the effects of the trauma or some other life experience that led them to a criminal mindset in the first place. They never really healed. They were never rehabilitated.  

Some of you may be able to relate to this part of the recovery process. Do you find yourself getting momentary victory over your addiction only to slip back into your bad habits with no method to unpack what got you back there? Can you look at your efforts to be healed and honestly say that they are driven by a burning desire to get to the root of what’s causing you to seek out porn in the first place? Are your efforts driven more by behavior change rather than a consistent change in your internal state or a mindset shift? Assess yourself and be honest. 

So what happened to me? I had a critical choice to make. I could choose personal growth and begin to go deeper into recovery by seeking to understand what’s at the root of my behavior, or I could risk ruining my marriage and living a mediocre life. As you can see, I chose the former, and I encourage you to do the same. By choosing to go deeper, I had to acknowledge that I wasn’t giving it my all. When we put in low effort during recovery, we get poor results. When we put in a lot of effort, we achieve good results. It’s as simple as that. After I began to discover what was at the root of my desire to watch pornography, I was able to get help dealing with that part of my belief system. This allowed me to take measurable steps toward freedom. Eventually, I pulled up everything that was at the root of my pornography addiction. This is why I can honestly say that the more things you uproot, the closer you get to having a porn-free life. 

Now I’m going to give you some practical steps you can use to help fixate your mind on recovery from porn addiction and an absolute focus on healing.

There is a story in the Bible about a crippled man who had been invalid for 38 years before he had an encounter with Jesus. When Jesus sees the man, he knows he has been crippled for 38 years; he asks him a question: “Do you want to be healed?”. Now one has to wonder why would Jesus ask a man who he knows has been crippled his whole life if he wants to be healed?

The answer is that Jesus knew the man had to believe that Jesus was capable of healing him for the man to be healed. He had to not only believe that he could be healed, but he also had to have the desire to get up and walk. Whenever I begin working with someone who is just starting their recovery journey, I usually tell this story during our first meeting. The reason I share this story is that if they don’t believe that they can be healed and don't desire freedom from porn addiction, it won’t ever happen for them.

Let’s talk about the word “healed”. What does it mean to actually be “healed”? Why do we use the word “healed” when talking about sobriety from porn? The word “heal” means to become sound or healthy again. To make better, make well, restore, or mend. If you’re addicted to sex/porn, there's a part of you that's broken inside. Yes, some of it is a habit, but what’s beneath the habit? Bad habits don’t appear out of nowhere. Before the habit formed, something happened to you. I once heard Ted Roberts from Pure Desire say:

“You were wounded in community, so you need to be healed in community.”  - Ted Roberts

We use the word “heal” because you have been wounded in some way, and for you to live a life of recovery, your wounds have to be healed. Deciding to stay on the road to sobriety is how you heal them. 

I’ve listened to a bunch of different guys in various recovery groups over the years, and it is rare for one of them not to have some sort of childhood trauma that they have experienced. Now, be careful not to disregard what I’m saying just because I used the “T” word (trauma). There are big T’s in life, like someone getting raped, and then there are little t’s in life, like a kid raised by two parents who end up getting a divorce. No two people respond to trauma the same, and there is no way to predict how someone responds to a traumatic event. The fact remains, however, that in life, we may experience trauma, and that sometimes leads to bad habits as a coping mechanism. So what am I saying then? You need to understand how many big T's you have in your life and how many little t's you have in your life if you want to be healed. Being on the road to sobriety is not just about behavior modification. It’s about uprooting the deep-seated issues that led to the bad behavior. 

Here are some practical ways to help you transition your focus to being healed and getting freedom from porn addiction

1. Take Inventory of your actions 

   • The first thing you need to do is look at your actions. Take inventory of your behavior. This was a critical piece for me because, as I was trying to build consistency in my daily habits, I noticed that my actions didn’t reflect my beliefs. I’m not just talking about big things like staying away from porn sites. I’m talking about little things like going to bed early since most of the time I’d relapse at night or choosing healthier food options since junk food made me feel more depressed. These are the types of things that are a good indication of your level of belief about whether or not you can be healed. So, take some time to assess what you should be doing if being healed is your ultimate goal. 

     • Ask yourself, why aren’t I doing those things? 

     • What can I change so that I can start doing those things? 

2. Look inward and be prepared to face your demons

   • When looking inward, you may not always like what you find. Here are some things that may require healing:

     • Emotional pain from past trauma

     • Mental health issues

     • Withdrawal symptoms

     • Broken family relationships that require reconciliation

3. Recognize the Significant Role of Self-Awareness in Your Life

   • Recognize how significant an impact porn use has had on your life. This awareness isn’t about feeling shame; instead, it’s an honest assessment. Ask yourself questions like:

   • How has porn use influenced my daily thoughts, behavior, and relationships?

   • What good things might I miss out on because of it?

   • How has it interfered with my good desires—the deeper goals and relationships I want to pursue?

4. Take inventory of your actions and set realistic goals to reverse them

   • Here are some practical strategies you can use to take inventory of your actions

     • Create a support system

     • ​Distance yourself from porn addicts who are not interested in recovery

     • Consistently show up to an accountability group

     • Surround yourself with people who have healthy habits you'd like to adopt.

     • Avoid isolating yourself from family members who care about you.

     • Use accountability software to block explicit content from your phone and computers.

     • Limit how much time you spend on the internet

5. Cultivate Positive Habits That Support Recovery

   • Breaking free isn’t just about what you leave behind; it’s also about what you bring into your life. Filling the void left by porn with positive habits can make the journey feel fulfilling and productive.

     • Physical Exercise: Exercise reduces stress, elevates mood, and provides a healthy outlet for energy.

     • Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can help manage cravings and reduce impulsivity. Meditation promotes a deeper connection between your body and mind, cultivating self-awareness and compassion.

     • Creative Outlets and Hobbies: Invest time in activities that nurture your talents or challenge you. Exploring passions and hobbies can give you a new sense of purpose, help you discover what fulfills you, and replace harmful routines with positive ones.

     • Make a list of positive changes you can make

     • Read success stories

     • Cultivate healthy relationships with friends and family

6.  Build a Safe Environment for Your Journey to Freedom

   • A safe environment is crucial for making lasting change. This may involve creating physical spaces free from triggers, as well as fostering emotional safety by surrounding yourself with supportive people.

   • Physical Safety: Begin by eliminating access to triggers where possible. This can involve using internet filters, avoiding certain social media platforms, or adjusting your online activities.

   • Emotional Safety: Cultivate connections with people who encourage you, hold you accountable, and refrain from judging your journey. Consider joining support groups, seeing a counselor, or sharing with a trusted friend or family member. A safe environment provides stability and reduces the feeling of isolation.

Ignite the desire to be free by deciding that you want to be healed

Breaking free from porn addiction is a journey, and while it may feel daunting, each small step counts. Surround yourself with a safe environment, replace destructive habits with positive ones, and focus on the good things that align with your true desires.

With patience and persistence, you can break free and experience the significant impact of a life shaped by positive choices