How to Seek Forgiveness: 5 Steps to Making Amends for Your Addictive Behavior

A man is having a one-on-one conversation with his partner.

Five years into my recovery journey, I realized that I had made a big mistake. I hadn't taken enough time to consider how my actions affected the people around me, specifically my wife. Sometimes, I was not completely honest with her about my behavior. I would struggle with shame and guilt, but I feared her wrath if she found out about my acting out. Keeping this from her was wrong and only served to worsen our relationship. Then, one day, after she came home from work, I decided to sit down and talk to her and tell her the truth about my recovery and progress. I let her know that I understand that my actions have caused harm to her and our relationship and asked her to forgive me. She asked me not to lie to her again because as long as I am making progress, we'll be ok.

The people who are closest to us are often the ones who suffer the most from our addictive behavior. We may think that we aren't harming anyone because we act out alone, but truthfully, there are no victimless addictions. For example, have you ever thought about the "white lies" you tell to keep your addiction hidden? The lies of omission? They may seem harmless, but they are not. These are the things that push us further into darkness. So when we act out, we need to understand that someone is suffering; it could be a spouse or ourselves. This brings us to the next step in my journey. Seeking forgiveness for our past actions. In this post, I will describe five practical steps to help you seek forgiveness for your past mistakes and rebuild connections with those you've harmed.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Hurt You’ve Caused

One easy way to do this is to sit down in a quiet room with a piece of paper and start writing down a list of people that you've lied to to hide your addictive behavior. Remember that there are many types of lies. There are lies of omission, which are white lies. There is gaslighting, which involves repeatedly denying or distorting reality to make someone question their sanity or perception. Then there are bald-faced lies, which are blatantly false and easy to recognize. The unfortunate thing about addiction is that it leads one to believe that they must lie to cover up their behavior. How many times have you lied to your spouse, friend, parents, or someone else about something so that you could avoid the fact that you were using pornography? Those are the people who deserve an apology from you. Those are the people that you should ask to forgive you after acknowledging what you've done to harm them.

​The best way to do this is to look at your broken relationships. Think about which of those relationships has taken a hit due to your past wrongs. What role did your addiction play in the failed relationship?

The first step to making amends is recognizing the impact of your actions. Addiction can hurt not just your relationships but also your self-esteem and mental health. For example, studies show that 70% of partners in relationships affected by addiction report feelings of betrayal and mistrust. This acknowledgment is essential for obtaining genuine forgiveness. We can seek their forgiveness once we have identified the people we've harmed.

Before going to each person, reflect on how your behavior has damaged the relationship. Write specific examples of how your past behaviors and actions may have hurt them. Talk to a trusted friend or counselor about any negative emotions that arise. This process could feel uncomfortable, but it is a crucial step toward personal growth and reconciliation.

Step 2: Seek Guidance from a Higher Power

Forgiveness is a core theme of Christianity and many other religions. This presents a good opportunity to practice humility by acknowledging that you need God's help to go through this process. Ask God to help you humble yourself and go to those you've wronged. Remember, this is all a part of your healing process. Reconciliation requires that you acknowledge the damage you have done. The road to sobriety is, in part, about your personal development as well. As you continue on your recovery journey, making restitution for your wrongs should become a habit for you.

This step may seem complicated to some because it requires humility. Our egos or feelings of shame can sometimes get in the way of that. However, God already knew what you would do and has seen those you've hurt. God can strengthen us when we need it, but we must go humbly to him and ask for that newfound strength. Recall that Philippians 4:13 says: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I'd suggest praying something like this before going to each person: "God, please give me the strength and courage to admit the wrong I've done to the ones that I love, and please give them the willingness to forgive me". It's possible to repair relationships that have been broken, but the work of repairing them starts with us.

Step 3: Prepare for the Conversation

After acknowledging your actions and seeking guidance, prepare for the conversation with those affected. Consider what you want to communicate and how to express your remorse sincerely.

Plan your approach, choosing a safe and private environment. For example, if you’re trying to mend fences with a partner, consider a quiet park or a favorite café where both of you feel comfortable. It's essential to prioritize their feelings, showing that you genuinely understand how your behavior impacted their life. Watch your body language as well. Try to look them directly in the eyes when you confess what you've done. After discussing the past, let them know you're trying to live a better life moving forward.

Step 4: Humbly ask for Forgiveness

When starting the conversation, come with an open and humble heart. Understand that forgiveness is a gift that may not come easily. Be ready to listen to their perspective without defensiveness. Healthy relationships are hard work. Understand that the other person may not be ready to forgive you or want to continue a relationship with you out of fear of enduring further harm.

Express your apologies sincerely, using “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You don’t understand how hard this is,” try, “I realize that my actions have hurt you deeply, and I am truly sorry.” Acknowledge their pain and affirm that you understand their feelings. This approach is crucial in showing your commitment to mend the relationship. After discussing the past, let them know you're trying to live a better life moving forward.

Step 5: Commit to Change

After expressing your remorse, it is vital to show that you are committed to making positive changes. Discuss the steps you are taking to address your addictive behaviors. Therapy, joining a support group, or even setting personal goals to avoid triggers.

For instance, let them know if you attend weekly therapy sessions or participate in a local support group. Reassure them that you are dedicated to becoming a better person for the sake of your relationships. Remember, actions speak louder than words, and your commitment to change is key to rebuilding trust.

Moving Forward with Hope

Seeking forgiveness is a significant step in your healing journey. It requires courage, honesty, and a commitment to change. By following these five steps—acknowledging the hurt, seeking God's help, preparing for the conversation, approaching with humility, and committing to change—you can begin to rebuild relationships that may feel broken.

Remember that forgiveness is a powerful and transformative act for both you and those you have affected. You can take meaningful steps toward reconciliation and healing through open communication and genuine remorse. Trust the process and lean on your faith as you navigate this challenging yet rewarding journey.

Reflection Questions

Who have I hurt through my addiction? How can I begin the process of making amends?